Why do people say something is “not a big deal,” when they mean “it may be a good idea even though it is a big deal”? Separating from a baby who’s been more or less tethered to you for a year and a half of pregnancy and breastfeeding is a big deal for a mother to contemplate.

There’s not a right answer, but the closer you get to the wedding, the better you’ll guess how it will feel. So, my advice is: delay as long as you can.  Also, travelling with an eleven-month-old might be better than you realize – she will be much more settled. Don’t take that option off the table.        

As to your specific questions:  Yes, she’ll notice your absence; yes, nursing makes it more complicated – you’ll have to pump – but these things don’t mean leaving her home is automatically the wrong choice, they are just the logistics involved in leaving her, just as there are logistics if you take her.  I assume your husband will shower her with love and affection and comfort while you’re gone and she’ll be just fine, so let’s focus on how it will feel to you.

 Since it’s your best friend’s wedding, it may feel like it’s absolutely not something to miss.  On the other hand it may feel too early or weird to leave, and if that’s how you feel, you will count on your best friend to understand. These are the things to balance. 

Your daughter will be 50% older and a lot will change between now and then! An eleven month old has a daily routine, with predictable daytime sleep.  You’ll know what she likes to do and what she’s not so interested in.  She may already have favorite songs and books.  She’ll be pulling herself up to stand and “cruising” around the room, and she’ll crawl at lightning speed.  She will be curious and keen to experiment – knocking over blocks, tasting the sandbox (ew), yanking the cat’s tail, and so forth.  She’ll understand most of what you say when you talk about her daily life, and she may have a couple words or signs to let you know what she wants.  She will likely show some separation anxiety not just when you leave for a trip but even when you go to the bathroom (you can read more about that here), but she will be reassured by routines and affection and consistency. 

It’s a lovely, lovely age (for more detail, come to the First Year Development Workshop).  You may not feel ready to leave her!  Or it might feel like a  f a b u l o u s  break, after which you’ll return to a baby you really know, and continue your adventure. 

My parents had an opportunity to travel to Russia when I was almost six months old and my mom still talks about it.  It was the reason she weaned me (no pumps back then!) and she often sounds wistful about that, and about how small I was when she said goodbye.  On the other hand she has never sounded regretful, and I think it was a great trip.  I think she would say she made the right choice for herself.  But she’s still talking about it, many decades later!  I think that’s kind of the definition of “a big deal.”  Good luck, whatever you decide.

Hi Kelly,

Nursing a six month old is different from nursing a newborn, isn’t it? Kelly-The-Brand-New-Mom-Who-Struggled-With-Breastfeeding might not have believed that in six months she’d “enjoy” breastfeeding!  But a mother’s feelings can shift once she’s got a jolly, settled, older baby.  I think of this when I hear moms getting wistful about putting away tiny newborn outfits their baby will never wear again – and I remember how scared and untethered those same moms were when their babies were actually in those outfits.  :-)

Weaning begins when you give your child anything besides your own breast-milk – including solid food – so you’ve already started.  Bittersweet feelings about milestones are normal, and weaning is a particularly big one. Yes, your body will feel more like your “own” once the nursing hormones are gone (though I need to tell you that my almost-four year old just wiped her nose on my pants, which kind of interferes with that feeling even without breastfeeding). 

On the other hand, weaning is the end of a connection you’ve had with Bailey since conception – till now, your body has provided direct life support to your child, nurturing her growth from a bundle of cells to an adorable smiley baby with lots of hair ribbons. Of course the connection of love between you will continue.  But you’ve been physically connected for so long – it’s no wonder weaning can feel like a big deal. 

So, first of all, make sure it’s what you want to do now – you, the mom of a settled baby – and not something to do because you chose this date a long time ago.   And if it is what you do now, plan a celebration for when you’re done, even if it’s just inviting some friends over and toasting Bailey’s – and your – graduation. 

As you think about things, here are a few suggestions.

•      Go slowly.  Eliminate one nursing or pumping session at a time and wait a few days before moving to the next.  This reduces the likelihood of painful engorgement or clogged ducts, which can sometimes accompany quick weaning.  It’s also a more gentle hormonal shift: while you’re nursing your body floods with oxytocin at each feeding.  Oxytocin creates a kind of addictive sense of well-being, and some moms are aware of the withdrawal from it as they wean, which can take the form of blue, irritable feelings.  Moving slowly on this can really help.

•  Pumping, while it can be super-useful, just doesn’t seem to evoke the same tender feelings as nursing a baby (gee, I wonder why?)  Why not start by dropping the 11:00 pumping session?  You can start by pumping half your regular time for a couple days; then drop it altogether.

•  Beyond that, it’s usually easiest to start by dropping the feedings that you and your child are least attached to.  Since Bailey nurses on a predictable schedule, take a look at the day.  I’m guessing that it will be easier to drop a mid-day feeding, like lunchtime, vs. the snuggled up nursing session before bed.

•   After a while of that, you may end up with a baby who is having formula and food at mealtimes, and nursing at bedtime and before naps.  At this age, and given your history with her, that might continue that for quite a while if you’re not ready to end it completely.  This is in the spirit of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation to move from exclusive breastfeeding to partial nursing in the 2^nd half of the first year. 

•  To drop a feeding at a mealtime, offer food first, and give her a bottle of formula or breast-milk as a beverage.  If she’s clamoring to nurse after the meal anyway, let her.

•  To drop a feeding that’s not associated with a meal (or after a meal), you’ll principally rely on distracting Bailey with some other fun activity.  Think of a few things she might enjoy and be prepared to launch into them.  If she can’t be distracted, nurse her and work on it again the next day.  Again, take it slow.

•  Some babies wean in a linear path, dropping one feeding every few days like clockwork.  With other babies it’s back and forth. You may find that she wants to nurse more when you’re around nursing babies.   Some days you may be “down to 2 feedings” and other days back up to 6.  That can be a normal part of the process, but you’re still moving in a forward direction.

• Formula and or breast-milk still make up the majority of Bailey’s nutrition up to a year.  Solid food is more recreational at first.  You can replace nursing with expressed breast-milk in whatever quantity she usually takes for bottles.  Approximate the same for formula.  Of course intake varies like everything else does, but a rule of thumb I often hear is about 32 ounces of milk per day, plus as much solid food as the child wants.  Talk to your doctor if you have particular questions about her nutrition intake.

One last thing.  If you haven’t gotten your period back, you may find that weaning does it.  Remember, you’ll ovulate two weeks before that first period.  Relying on lactation as a form of contraception is almost never a good idea, and certainly not in a baby who sleeps all night long, but I’ll just mention it because it really isn’t the contraceptive method to use if you’re weaning so you can get your body back!

Good Luck!

Hi Margaret,

Do I ever believe in hard and fast rules?  <well, OK:  read to your baby, there’s one.>

As to bottles and their contents.  There’s nothing magical about cow’s milk, unless you’re a baby cow.  You want Gigi to be getting a good balance of nutrients so the key is to think about what’s in all the different things she consumes — some kids never drink cow’s milk and that ‘s OK if they do have an adequate source of protein, calcium, etc.  So — read the labels.  My impression is that most people switch to cow’s milk not because it’s nutritionally superior to formula but because it’s a lot cheaper. 

Incidentally, if there’s one beverage you *do* want to push, it’s water.  The best way to make water the expected beverage (vs. milk/formula which are really “food”) is to have it available all the time and let her see that you always drink water. 

Then there is the bottle/cup issue.  I was surprised that longer-term bottle use didn’t become more main-stream when Suri Cruise was hanging around with a bottle in public when she was old enough to be wearing designer shoes.  But yes, you do hear people still saying that you “have to” get rid of bottles at age 1.  I don’t get the objection to a baby using a bottle when she’s young enough that she could still be nursing, and have never heard any scientific reason to wean from the bottle at any particular age. 

Babies who aren’t nursing anymore are often quite attached to their bottles, so whenever you do it, it makes sense to be as gentle with weaning them off the bottle as you’d be if it was weaning from the breast.  Slow, easy, not abrupt, done with lots of love.  Take your time.  Start with the bottle she’s least attached to.  She’ll get there.

If you are going to get her started on a sippy cup, you might leave one around with water in it in a place where she plays, so that she can try it out, put it in her mouth, figure out what it is and how it works through play, as opposed to when she’s hungry.  (If you do this, change the water every day or it will get gross).  If the cups with the valves are too hard to figure out, try a Born Free cup — they’re not spill proof at all, which makes them pretty easy for babies to use, though annoying if you actually want something that doesn’t leak.  Some babies can also figure out how to use a straw. 

There’s no reason not to hold an open cup for Gigi, except you’ll probably get tired of holding it before she’s gotten really steady with it.  But if you’re patient, I’ve known a number of 18 month olds who could cope with an open cup.   

It’s handy to have a child who can use a sippy cup because then you can leave a cup of water in the crib for her overnight in case she gets thirsty (you took my childbirth class, too, right?  See how I continue my obsession with hydration ;-))  Be warned, though, some babies can learn how to unscrew a sippy cup or bottle and dump the contents into their bed.  Not that my daughter did that or anything.

Best,

Meredith