Bringing Home Baby Event: tomorrow

Tomorrow night, I’ll be part of a terrific event for expectant parents co-sponsored by Tribeca ParentingHudson River Park Mamas and Yummy Mummy.

The event will take place Wednesday 4/13 6:00-8:00 @ Tribeca Parenting’s Upper East Side Center (304 E 62nd St betw 1st & 2nd).  If you took my childbirth classes through TP, the door fee of $35 is waived.

This event will include presentations including:

Best Baby Gear Q & A:
 Jamie Grayson of The Baby Guy NYC and Jennifer Link of Sweet Pea Baby Planners

Eating After Baby: Geoff Gohacki of The Real Meal

Easing the Breastfeeding Transition: Amanda Cole of Yummy Mummy

Getting Started on a Sane Life: Meredith Fein Lichtenberg, of A Mother is Born

Sex After Baby: Sex Educator and Childbirth Educator Vanessa Anton

The Value of Postpartum Support: Erica Lyon, author, The Big Book of Birth

There will be light snacks, drinks, and gift giveaways. More details here!

Hope to see you there!

Can Childbirth Be . . . Delightful?

I’ve watched the clip, below, now, about five times. Those of you who’ve taken my childbirth class know I think video (oy, especially a 2 minute video!) is a pretty limited way to learn what birth is like, and that I think a great birth can take many different forms as long as the mom feels dignified and respected at the end.  

But this video is interesting because of all that it is not.  I’ve taught childbirth classes to over a thousand couples and heard many of their birth stories.  Women who are happy with how it went often sound thrilled, moved, grateful and awed, and universally they describe it as challenging.  When a mom tells me her “great” birth story, the narrative arc includes the moment of self-doubt that comes along with any challenge, and the thrill that came when she learned she could cope with it.  I’m not just talking about unmedicated births, here, or even about vaginal births.  But the “good” birth stories I hear involve a mom who discovers she has the tools to cope with a situation she couldn’t fully anticipate in advance, and the tools worked.  Hallelujah!  

Facing a challenge can certainly be thrilling (and “challenge” doesn’t need to mean “bad” or “dangerous”).  But what’s notable in this video is how the mom’s thrill doesn’t seem to have anything to do with challenge.  Here, the mom seems not just thrilled and moved but enthusiastic, untroubled, even … delighted!  Look at the way she kicks up her legs into a full body hug after her baby’s arrival.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen.  

odesmobile:

By far the sexiest birth film I’ve ever seen. Looks like Marilyn Monroe shot by Godard. Also, no sound, which helps. http://su.pr/2Poe0B

What do you think?  Can birth be delightful?

Working Moms’ Workshop and Support Group

For 2014 Ongoing Working Moms’ Groups, scroll down.

Breastfeed in Park

In the Working Moms’ Workshop: we cover all the essentials of going back to work after a first child, including:

  • Finding and maintaining excellent childcare
  • Breastfeeding and pumping issues
  • Sleep issues for working moms
  • Finding “me-time”
  • Negotiating boundaries at work
  • Getting “everything else” done
  • Co-parenting with your partner when you’re both employed
  • Your relationship with your baby

This is run as a 3 part series meeting once a month for three months.  Contact me for dates and to register.

Participants are invited to join the ongoing working moms’ group to share sharing resources and continue the discussion.

The Working Moms’ Ongoing Group helps new moms prepare for and manage work/motherhood concerns. Members are a diverse group of moms who come together to share information, problem-solve, vent and find a place for their dual identities.  This is a great group, and a sorely needed resource for working moms who want to talk and connect. 

UPCOMING Dates:

CHELSEA:  129A W 20 Street between 6th and 7th. On hiatus in March 2014; contact me for the April-May series at meredith (at) amotherisborn (dot) com.

UPPER WEST SIDE:  370 W 58 St 2C. 3/13, 3/27, 4/10, 4/17 (four dates) 8-10pm $140

Register by clicking button at left.  More details here and here.

A note about these groups — please read this before you consider joining:   Scheduling a working moms’ group is never fun because everyone’s life is busy.  It’s easy to cut out the things you do “only” for yourself. Over the years, I’ve observed, though, that when a group feels mutually committed, great things happen.  Members who sense an obligation to the group go out of their way to attend and find that dragging themselves out even when they’re tired, or the weather is bad, or a babysitter is hard to come by — pays back in huge dividends for them. Even more importantly, when the group comes to rely on each other, it’s magical.  Everyone feels safer talking candidly about her own life when she knows that the other women there are in it with her — not just dropping in or “trying it out.”  No one wants to talk about the tough stuff with someone she might never see again! For this reason, attendance is a priority for this group.  Think of signing up as a commitment to everyone else in the room, and know that they are committing to you, too. 

(Obviously, sometimes you can’t make it, and that’s fine — life happens.  Calling in and participating by phone is an option many folks take when a business trip or family situation forces them to miss a session).  

Finally, since I encourage you to think of joining as a commitment to the group, I don’t offer “trial” classes or pro-rated fees if you know you’ll have to miss a sesssion, and the series fee is non-refundable.  I hope you’ll join, and come to be part of a supportive community that is, truly, priceless.

Child's Play

When I was a kid, my friend Deirdre had all the cool toys, including Baby Alive, who you could feed mush to and then it would come out her bottom and you could wipe it up.  I think there was also diaper rash.

 It boggles my mind, now, that I could have yearned to wipe a plastic butt, but oh, did I want Baby Alive.  My mom said drily that if my imagination was good enough to play at being a mother and having a baby, I could work up some imaginary poo to wipe, too.

 And of course now I agree with her, which is perhaps why I thought it was a little hilarious when, recently, a Spanish toy manufacturer came out with a baby doll that imitates nursing, making sucking sounds when it’s brought close.  Apparently it comes with a halter top that looks like a nursing bra for “Mommy” to wear.   

Do we really need a doll that fakes this?  I mean, once the kid can imagine herself as a Mommy, can’t she pretend the baby is nursing, just like she pretends the baby is crying or burping?   I’ve seen kids do it all the time!

Also, how weird that it makes sucking sounds, since real nursing babies don’t, actually, sound like they’re slurping up a slushee.

But whatever, I thought, I just won’t buy one. 

But apparently the nursing baby doll has sparked controversy of a different sort.  One article claims that:

parents around the world have criticized [the manufacturer] saying the idea of breast-feeding is too grown-up for young children — and may even promote early pregnancy. 

The article goes on: 

“Dr. Manny Alvarez, managing health editor of FOXNews.com, said although he supports the idea of breast-feeding, he sees how his own daughter plays with dolls and wonders if Bebe Gloton might speed up maternal urges in the little girls who play it.

“Pregnancy has to entail maturity and understanding,” Alvarez said. “It’s like introducing sex education in first grade instead of seventh or eighth grade. Or, it could inadvertently lead little girls to become traumatized. You never know the effects this could have until she’s older.” 

                

               Don’t get too maternal with that doll, now, Missy!

There is so much wrong with this “controversy” and this article, so let’s get some things clear:

·      Breastfeeding isn’t weird.  Whether any actual mother nurses her baby or not, our species are mammals and we produce milk when we have babies.

·      Playing at being a parent is a normal thing that kids do.  That might include any aspect of normal parenting.

·      Breastfeeding isn’t sexual even though breasts are also sexual.

·      A baby doll that simulates a baby who is an alcoholic, suffers from erectile dysfunction or is a prison in-mate (which the article suggests are analogous) would be troubling and wrong and have nothing to do with normal maternal role play.

The weirdest thing in this article is the concern that a little girl pretending to breastfeed might be enticed to get pregnant too early.      

??

I don’t get it.  We are talking about girls who are already pretending to be mothers.  What does the sucking noise add?

My son was never really into dolls, but my daughter likes one she’s named “Potato.”  I must have told her that what a mother eats affects the flavor of her breast-milk, because whenever she pretends to nurse Potato, she lets me know the milk now tastes like hot dog, or strawberries or oatmeal.  She also pretends to change Potato’s diaper (even without fake poo).

 And then after a few minutes of playing the maternal role, usually she’ll fling Potato aside and resume fighting Bad Guys or looking for Blues Clues or singing songs or doing puzzles.  That longing for the maternal role is normal, but transient.  Mostly she likes being a four-year-old.

What Not To Say To A New Mother, part 2

A couple of months ago, I blogged about “What Not To Say To A New Mother” and I’ve gotten interesting responses since then, overwhelmingly consistent in theme.New moms, it seems, feel criticized easily, and (surprise) hate the feeling.

They can feel a sting even when they know that they’re not being criticized (e.g., “wow, your baby is big/small/hairy/bald/loud/quiet”) (mom mentally inserts the word “too” after “is”), or that the person criticizing them is ignorant (“is your one-month-old sleeping through the night?”), or a dumbass (“you shouldn’t be carrying your 3 month old around because he’ll never learn to walk”) or creepy (“you should cover your child’s legs because otherwise someone will come over and bite them like a chicken drumstick”).

When you’re not the mom on the receiving end, it seems obvious that the response to these is, “Mmm.”No one has to live with your baby but you, so who cares what their random “advice” or questions are?

But it’s not so simple when the remark is made to you.Moms – especially first time moms, not only want to do right by their kids, they also want to know that their judgment is good, that they’re Good At Being Moms.Until they feel self-assurance, they look for assurance, and approval, from others.This is why it’s so important for new moms to have real community, not just books and Expert Advice.

Once, while I was nursing my first baby at a family event, a relative of my husband’s said breastfeeding was “nasty” and “barbaric.” I was astonished that I cared at all about his judgment and yet the sting of it silenced and shamed me.It didn’t matter that he was the one who was acting nasty and barbaric.It couldn’t roll off me then.

                      Check me out being all nasty and barbaric

Here’s the weird thing:that desire for approval of the early decisions can last long after you grow confident in the mothering role.Which is why some small part of me, even ten years later, is not content to know that my husband’s step-mother’s cousin’s remark was nasty and barbaric, but, still, hopes that you are offended on my behalf.

This is also why you might hear defensive remarks from your own mother or mother-in-law (e.g., she sees you lie your baby down on his back and reacts as though you did it to accuse her of being an idiot for putting you down on your belly).

How can your mother feel even a tiny bit defensive about decisions she made 30+ years ago?It’s because when she made them she was a vulnerable new mom like you, wanting to strike the right balance between the “expert” advice and the idiosyncratic experiences of her own life.

Just the other day, I blogged in response to a mom who is considering travel that will separate her from her baby for four days.I mentioned that my mom had done this when I was a baby and that I thought it had been a big deal to her.My mom responded,

“It was a big deal.Big decisions involve hard choices.Glad we went and don’t think it impacted you much.I’m the one who missed those 9 days, so there r regrets.But it also made the time after my return that much more precious.Hope you know that.”

I read it and though it’s not written in a really defensive or insecure way, I immediately wanted to reassure her, “Of course I know that! I am not judging you!I am not upset that you weaned me, or went away!It’s OK!”

It was funny to hear even the smallest note of New-Mom concern in my own mother’s voice.To me, of course, she’s Mom.But she was once just like my students and clients, and like I was in those early days, a Beginner, finding her way, hoping her decisions were good enough, hoping it would turn out that she was good enough, not knowing, yet, that of course her children would find her more than good enough.Not even realizing, yet, that her tiny baby would one day be a woman and a mother along with her, sharing life and experiences.

Go give your mom a hug and remember that she was, once, a new mom, too, and that part of her always will be.

How Not To Behave After Pregnancy Loss -- Clue: Don't Blame A Woman for Her Loss. Don't Charge Her With A Felony.

Last week Georgia state Representative Bobby Franklin introduced a bill to his state legislature that would make miscarriage a felony unless a woman can prove she wasn’t at fault for causing it.  Miscarriages must be reported to the state within 72 hours.  If a woman miscarries at home, she is subject to investigation by “a proper investigating official” to ensure that there was “no human involvement whatsoever.”   People who report their suspicions about the cause of an apparent miscarriage to the state registrar are protected against law suits. 

This is an outrage to human dignity, regardless of your opinion on abortion.

Pregnancy, and pregnancy loss, and birth, and breastfeeding, are not merely physical events, they are life events.  They are private and emotional.  During each, a woman requires compassion and sensitive support as well as health care.  

After a pregnancy loss, she needs time to heal her body and her feelings.  It is not a time for her to worry about whether her paperwork is in order to protect herself against criminal prosecution.  It is completely inappropriate, demeaning, and inhumane to require a woman who has miscarried to defend herself and her pregnancy against investigation by a state official. 

**

Eleven years ago, I miscarried my first pregnancy.  Bits of it I remember well.  It was Valentines Day and I was walking home from work, hungry, and considered stopping to eat a tangerine.  I decided to keep walking and eat at home, instead.  At home, I began bleeding.   After a trip to the doctor and an ultrasound, my doctor advised bedrest.  A few days later, after a followup, the fetus looked normal and I went back to work.  Weeks later, however, at a routine checkup, there was no fetal heartbeat.  It was over.  I was almost 14 weeks pregnant.

I remember the look on my doctor’s face when he couldn’t find a heartbeat on his Doppler.

I remember how the radiologist shook his head when he looked at the ultrasound screen.

I remember feeling as though the magical calendar that had been growing in my mind – the family wedding in the spring when we’d tell the cousins!  Heavily pregnant all summer!  A baby in time for the Jewish holidays! – withered away. The rest of the year would not, now, unfold as a pregnancy “week by week” according to the emails I subscribed to.  That family wedding would be, instead, the wedding where we would have told them. We would somehow go back to regular life.

I remember thinking a lot about whether I should have eaten that tangerine.

I remember my secretary telling me, the next week, that it probably happened because I worked too hard.  She may as well have come out with the real accusation:  “Didn’t you want this pregnancy?  Or do you care about your job more?” It was agony, no matter how much I knew it wasn’t true.  

In Georgia, she could have reported that to my file for the investigation.  Perhaps the investigator would have agreed that my long hours constituted “human involvement”; that I’d brought it on myself.

 

That first night, after the D&C, when it was all still a blur, my sisters in law brought cheese and bread and fruit in a beautiful wooden basket.  My parents came, and I remember that their sad faces were not only for me, but reflected their own grief – still – over their two pregnancy losses decades earlier.

 We gathered in my livingroom, and although I was a grown woman, a litigator at a big New York law firm, my mom set the table, prepared the food, even cleared my plate.  My dad put his arm around my husband.  One sister in law brought me a sweater and the other helped me to bed.

I was cared for with dignity and respect.  I felt protected when I was vulnerable.  To this day, in my work with new mothers, I model myself on the care I received that night.

This is what a woman needs – not only after birth and during the transition to parenthood, but when she miscarries.  It is completely inappropriate to put upon her, instead, some burden of readying herself for an investigation by a state beaurocrat who might, in his zeal to uncover a possible abortion, exacerbate her already obsessive thoughts about whether she ate enough tangerines or worked too hard.  A woman who is pregnant, or who has lost a pregnancy, or has come to the end of a pregnancy and is caring for a child, needs her dignity, first and foremost, so that she can take care of herself.  

Please join me, then, in writing a letter to the legislators of Georgia strongly opposing the bill, for the sake of all women and their partners.  You can send letters to Georgia’s Congresspeople here.   

What Not To Say To A New Mother

Recently a student suggested I teach a class for friends and family of new parents.It would teach well meaning loved-ones how to behave around new mothers so that they don’t come marching into the MOMs class I teach weekly, railing about the insensitive and hurtful things they heard all week. But how does one market such a class?“Hey come to this class for people who don’t even know they’re being insensitive clods?”

I think most folks who say these things mean well, they just don’t know how their remarks are heard.So, here are some things not to say to a new mom, and what to say instead.

1.“Is your baby sleeping through the night yet?”

Young babies don’t sleep through the night.

No matter how much the tired new mom wishes she could get a full night’s sleep, even if she is asking herself, “why hasn’t it happened yet?” putting her on the spot like this may make her feel like you’re saying “why isn’t your baby sleeping through the night yet, and what’s wrong with her or with you?”Which can make her feel defensive, lousy, behind schedule and inadequate.Don’t put her in the position of teaching you about infant sleep behavior.If you’re really interested in the topic, pick up a book.

Try also to avoid saying things like, “they sleep through the night when they are X weeks or Y pounds or if you eat pineapple or when Jupiter aligns with Mars.” Babies do not all do the same thing at the same moment; “advice” like this is fiction.If you like fiction, entertain her with a more interesting story. 

If you’re trying to give her the opportunity to commiserate or vent about how tired she is, ask, instead, “How are you doing?” or offer to hang out and hold her baby one afternoon so that she can take a nap.

If the answer is yes, by the way, and her baby is sleeping through the night? Don’t take the wind out of her sails by asking about it; let her tell you herself!

2.    ”Wow, she’s nursing again?!”

Honestly, what do you hope to get out of this question?Obviously the answer is yes.The implication here is that there’s something wrong with frequent nursing.And that you’re a good judge as to what “frequent” means.

Babies nurse a lot.Lots of totally normal newborns nurse twelve times a day.Even if she knows that, though, a mom who hears this question can feel criticized and worried – that her baby is too needy or hungry or that she’s been responding incorrectly to the baby’s signals.Or she may just feel self-conscious that you’re thinking about and talking about her breasts.

If you’re trying to give her the opportunity to vent that it is tiring to nurse frequently, then, ask, instead,“How are you doing?” and offer to hold the baby when he’s done nursing so she can go pee.And bring her a glass of water and offer to get her a snack.

3.    ”Is he on a schedule yet?”

The answer is no, okay?

Newborns follow no schedule.Older babies develop patterns of eating, sleeping and awake time, and some of them can be reasonably predictable after a while.When this all happens depends on the baby and the parents.Some babies settle into more predictable routines earlier than others.Some (I say lucky) parents are able to imagine they see patterns where other parents still only see random chaos. Anyone relying in any serious way on the patterns of a person whose age is still measured in months, however, is asking to be disappointed.

The question suggests an “ought” – that her day ought to be organized into a formal schedule.And “yet” makes it seem very time urgent.This is why new moms often feel criticized by it.

If you’re trying to give the new mom an opportunity to complain about how difficult it is to get through the day with an even occasionally unpredictable baby, ask, instead “How are you doing?”And offer to hang out with her one afternoon and help her get a bunch of errands done with a baby in tow.

In short – try to avoid asking questions that sound like you think motherhood is a checklist of baby-accomplishments she ought to stay on top of.(Baby accomplishments aren’t irrelevant, they’re just not all of what motherhood is about!  For more on that, come to my First Year Development class in two weeks!) 

Instead, focus on your friend, the mom, and how she’s doing in this new arrangement.

Coming soon:How To Talk To New Moms, Part II – Don’t say “Just…”

Space Available in Upcoming Classes and Workshops!

Click links at the left to see more detailed descriptions:

Sleep Routines Clinic:  Thursday 12/23, 12-2, Tribeca Language, 22 Harrison St.  Next workshop:  Wednesday 1/26 11-1

Chelsea New MOMs Class:  Space available for the last three weeks in this six week series of rotating topics for new moms.  3 Fridays beginning 1/7, 1:15-3:15, Kinected, 151 W 19th St., 2nd Fl.  (cost will be prorated for joining for 3 of 6 weeks).  The next Chelsea Series starts 1/26 and will meet for 6 Wednesdays 1:30-3:30.

Raising Your Toddler:  Saturday 1/8, 10-noon, 247 West 26th St.

Childbirth With the Epidural:  Intensive weekend class Saturday/Sunday 1/8-1/9, 12:30-6:30, Tribeca Parenting, 247 West 26th St.

Tribeca New MOMs Class: Six Tuesdays starting 1/18, 11-1, Tribeca Language, 22 Harrison St.

Development in the First Year:  Wednesday 1/12, 11-1, Tribeca Language, 22 Harrison st.

Register for any of these classes at www.tribecaparenting.com, or by contacting me at meredith (at) amotherisborn.com